Dear Lance:
I recently saw your comments about Wrigley Field, a baseball cathedral that is beloved by millions and a must see for baseball enthusiasts the world over. Apparently you are not much of a fan. You see less of a ballpark and more of a beer garden. It's understandable. Wrigley at times can feel a little like Mardi Gras, especially in the bleachers where the "bums" shell out a lot of money to enjoy sunshine, drink beer and watch a mediocre player past his prime like you play the national pastime. Your sentiments have been repeated by "well-respected" men such as Ozzie Guillen. That's great company to be in! My only question is this: who the hell are YOU to disrespect anyone or anything?
In your statement, you say about Wrigley that "there is a tremendous history associated with it and there is something special about playing on the same field that guys like Babe Ruth did. But really, what kind of history is there? It's not like there has been one championship after another." HOLY CONTRADICTION BATMAN!!! You yourself just stated a perfect example of why Wrigley is so historic. Wrigley has more history in one strand of ivy on its walls than you will ever make in your career. Ernie Banks, Fergie Jenkins, Ryne Sandberg and Ron Santo all called this place home. What does your home stadium in Arlington have going for it besides a side attraction to Jerry's Palace across the parking lot? You spent most of your career playing in a desolate stadium in Houston that is only known for having to change names after a few years. What the hell do you know about history?
You also speak of Wrigley not having a history of one championship after another. Again, what the hell do you know about championships? Your one World Series title came on the backs of Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday. Who will even remember that you were on that team? Hell, I bet Cardinals fans forget you were on that team.
You are just another spoiled baseball player that puts your luxury and comfort ahead of the history of the game. Instead of appreciating the fact that you get to play a child's game at a revered park for three days, you complain that the facilities are crap. The Cubs play half of their season there and I have yet to hear one of them complain. They understand the history of Wrigley and how lucky they are to have it as their home field.
You don't deserve Wrigley. Seriously, you do not deserve to step on the same grass and dirt as the legends that came before you. If Ron Santo was still alive, I would hope that he would tear you a new one for disrespecting such a special place.
Just remember this: Wrigley will still be around and beloved after your career and the memories of you are long gone. Let's hope you will appreciate it by then.
Sincerely,
Baseball Fans Everywhere
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Augusta National: A Hypocrisy Unlike Any Other
Dean Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
This quote, from the classic "Animal House", came to my head often this past weekend. We all know that Dean Wormer was speaking of Delta, the fraternity that caused so much trouble at Faber College that a homecoming parade would never be looked at the same. The funny thing is is that I didn't even see that movie this weekend. So what caused me to have the "worst fraternity" line in my head over and over? It was watching the Masters and the hypocritical club that is and always has been Augusta National.
Augusta National is a joke that everyone beside the members, CBS producers and PGA tour higher ups don't understand. These people have taken a once great tournament and turned it into something I can barely watch. They have always treated the Masters as the ultimate event, one that you should have to sell your soul to not just play, but attend. The extent they go not to even acknowledge the racist and sexist past of the club is appalling. (Of course you could say that their past is also the present.)
If you want to be in good with the members of Augusta as a PGA tour player, you must talk about how special it is to play there each and every time, even if you are a regular like Tiger or Fred Couples. You are expected to tear up for the television commercials and speak of the "integrity" and "tradition" that surrounds the place even though the integrity of the place holds up like that of an Illinois politician. Bubba Watson became the latest golfer to fall victim to the trap of idolizing the place because of the myth that they sell you.
Listen, I used to love the Masters. It was a sign that spring was in the air and a long cold winter was finally coming to an end. The magnolias and stately oak trees that surround the place make it beautiful, serene even. You could picture yourself sitting on the 18th tee, looking down the long narrow fairway and enjoying a pimento sandwich. What the Masters and Augusta National gave us this year was a big crap sandwich.
Tiger Woods cheated. There is no way that he, the most anal retentive golfer to ever live, did not know what he had done. He signed the scorecard, got caught and should have been disqualified. For any one else, this infraction would have sent them packing. However, this is Tiger we are talking about and this is not an even playing field. On Saturday morning, after the news had come out, Nick Faldo called Tiger out and said he should disqualify himself. Later in the day, he backtracked. What changed his mind? Oh, I don't know. Most likely the corporate executives at CBS, who depend on "Tiger ratings" for the weekend and the board members of Augusta, who want THE golfer to play THE most majestic event for their own self pleasure.
At the start of the coverage on Saturday, CBS spent 30 minutes having Jim Nantz interview certain board members and Faldo about the ruling instead of showing live action. That was just a big "screw you!" to their viewers. They felt that nothing was more important at the time. It wasn't newsworthy that 53 year old Fred Couples was making an amazing run during the weekend. It wasn't worth covering a relatively unknown Marc Leishmann trying to get his first major after an amazing round on Friday. Obviously no one was tuning in to watch live golf but to hear Nantz smugly ask questions to officials. I would have respected them a hell of a lot more if someone had just said, "It's Tiger! What do you think we are going to do?"
It's a shame that a sporting event that labels itself "a tradition unlike any other" has become more corrupt than the NCAA, with the same type of credibility. Once a great tournament, it has become nothing more than the BellSouth Classic played a few hours east.
Next year, when the ads start popping up on CBS during March, we will all get excited that it is that time again. Nantz will start telling you how special Augusta is during NCAA Tournament games he should be horribly broadcasting and the players who are "lucky" enough to play in such a prestigious event will speak of their awe and admiration for Augusta and how it was always their dream to tee off there.
When the broadcast comes around, an inordinate amount of time will be spent on puff pieces explaining the "glory of this place" and following Tiger around like a child does with a balloon. The greats of the game like Nicklaus, Palmer and Player will tee off while the members and committee stand around applauding not the players but themselves for being a member of such a select group. I won't be watching. The Masters and the Augusta National fraternity are now on double secret probation.
This quote, from the classic "Animal House", came to my head often this past weekend. We all know that Dean Wormer was speaking of Delta, the fraternity that caused so much trouble at Faber College that a homecoming parade would never be looked at the same. The funny thing is is that I didn't even see that movie this weekend. So what caused me to have the "worst fraternity" line in my head over and over? It was watching the Masters and the hypocritical club that is and always has been Augusta National.
Augusta National is a joke that everyone beside the members, CBS producers and PGA tour higher ups don't understand. These people have taken a once great tournament and turned it into something I can barely watch. They have always treated the Masters as the ultimate event, one that you should have to sell your soul to not just play, but attend. The extent they go not to even acknowledge the racist and sexist past of the club is appalling. (Of course you could say that their past is also the present.)
If you want to be in good with the members of Augusta as a PGA tour player, you must talk about how special it is to play there each and every time, even if you are a regular like Tiger or Fred Couples. You are expected to tear up for the television commercials and speak of the "integrity" and "tradition" that surrounds the place even though the integrity of the place holds up like that of an Illinois politician. Bubba Watson became the latest golfer to fall victim to the trap of idolizing the place because of the myth that they sell you.
Listen, I used to love the Masters. It was a sign that spring was in the air and a long cold winter was finally coming to an end. The magnolias and stately oak trees that surround the place make it beautiful, serene even. You could picture yourself sitting on the 18th tee, looking down the long narrow fairway and enjoying a pimento sandwich. What the Masters and Augusta National gave us this year was a big crap sandwich.
Tiger Woods cheated. There is no way that he, the most anal retentive golfer to ever live, did not know what he had done. He signed the scorecard, got caught and should have been disqualified. For any one else, this infraction would have sent them packing. However, this is Tiger we are talking about and this is not an even playing field. On Saturday morning, after the news had come out, Nick Faldo called Tiger out and said he should disqualify himself. Later in the day, he backtracked. What changed his mind? Oh, I don't know. Most likely the corporate executives at CBS, who depend on "Tiger ratings" for the weekend and the board members of Augusta, who want THE golfer to play THE most majestic event for their own self pleasure.
At the start of the coverage on Saturday, CBS spent 30 minutes having Jim Nantz interview certain board members and Faldo about the ruling instead of showing live action. That was just a big "screw you!" to their viewers. They felt that nothing was more important at the time. It wasn't newsworthy that 53 year old Fred Couples was making an amazing run during the weekend. It wasn't worth covering a relatively unknown Marc Leishmann trying to get his first major after an amazing round on Friday. Obviously no one was tuning in to watch live golf but to hear Nantz smugly ask questions to officials. I would have respected them a hell of a lot more if someone had just said, "It's Tiger! What do you think we are going to do?"
It's a shame that a sporting event that labels itself "a tradition unlike any other" has become more corrupt than the NCAA, with the same type of credibility. Once a great tournament, it has become nothing more than the BellSouth Classic played a few hours east.
Next year, when the ads start popping up on CBS during March, we will all get excited that it is that time again. Nantz will start telling you how special Augusta is during NCAA Tournament games he should be horribly broadcasting and the players who are "lucky" enough to play in such a prestigious event will speak of their awe and admiration for Augusta and how it was always their dream to tee off there.
When the broadcast comes around, an inordinate amount of time will be spent on puff pieces explaining the "glory of this place" and following Tiger around like a child does with a balloon. The greats of the game like Nicklaus, Palmer and Player will tee off while the members and committee stand around applauding not the players but themselves for being a member of such a select group. I won't be watching. The Masters and the Augusta National fraternity are now on double secret probation.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A Letter to Bubba Watson
Dear Bubba:
Hey buddy. Is everything okay? You seem a bit upset lately. You are not the usual happy-go-lucky self that we have all come to love. Hope things are well, really, but this emotional crap has got to stop.
Listen, we all gave you a break last year when you broke down after winning that amazing playoff at the Masters to achieve your first major. We understood that you were missing your father, who is dead, and your wife while she was tending to your newly adopted child. It was heartwarming even. You made me forget how much I hated listening to Jim Nantz waxing on poetically about Augusta. It was a great victory for you. Congratulations on that.
Now that weepy "Augusta is such a great place" and teary "I'm so lucky to have a green jacket" has to stop. With that sort of talk, you are giving Nantz an instant boner and doing his job even more horrific than him. We all know that Nantz will be all over this like a Jewish mother on her over 30 single non-doctor husband. You are just writing Nantz's script for him.
I had you in my Masters pool until I saw this wretched display of manliness. Augusta is only a special place to white guys over fifty. Have you not studied their track record? I am really hoping there is a sign outside the club saying: "Augusta National - Diversified since 2012!"
Bubba, I have been a fan despite your loyalty to the Georgia Bulldogs and even, gasp, after I learned you didn't drink. This has broken my will though. You would never see Fred Couples crying, would you? Of course not. He is saving his tears for mine and his eventual nuptials.
So here is my challenge to you: grow a pair! We already get enough crying and "aww shucks!" attitude from the wuss and overall horrible human being that is Phil Mickelson.
Enjoy your green jacket and please don't use it as a tissue.
Sincerely,
Young Andy Rooney
P.S. This letter is coming from someone who cried his eyes out after Auburn won the 2010 National Title so, ummm, take it with a grain of salt.
Hey buddy. Is everything okay? You seem a bit upset lately. You are not the usual happy-go-lucky self that we have all come to love. Hope things are well, really, but this emotional crap has got to stop.
Listen, we all gave you a break last year when you broke down after winning that amazing playoff at the Masters to achieve your first major. We understood that you were missing your father, who is dead, and your wife while she was tending to your newly adopted child. It was heartwarming even. You made me forget how much I hated listening to Jim Nantz waxing on poetically about Augusta. It was a great victory for you. Congratulations on that.
Now that weepy "Augusta is such a great place" and teary "I'm so lucky to have a green jacket" has to stop. With that sort of talk, you are giving Nantz an instant boner and doing his job even more horrific than him. We all know that Nantz will be all over this like a Jewish mother on her over 30 single non-doctor husband. You are just writing Nantz's script for him.
I had you in my Masters pool until I saw this wretched display of manliness. Augusta is only a special place to white guys over fifty. Have you not studied their track record? I am really hoping there is a sign outside the club saying: "Augusta National - Diversified since 2012!"
Bubba, I have been a fan despite your loyalty to the Georgia Bulldogs and even, gasp, after I learned you didn't drink. This has broken my will though. You would never see Fred Couples crying, would you? Of course not. He is saving his tears for mine and his eventual nuptials.
So here is my challenge to you: grow a pair! We already get enough crying and "aww shucks!" attitude from the wuss and overall horrible human being that is Phil Mickelson.
Enjoy your green jacket and please don't use it as a tissue.
Sincerely,
Young Andy Rooney
P.S. This letter is coming from someone who cried his eyes out after Auburn won the 2010 National Title so, ummm, take it with a grain of salt.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Short Rant on NBA
Every March, teams throughout the NBA have "Hispanic Heritage Celebration" nights at their home games. I fully support the NBA on this as a way to market to a demographic that is mostly controlled by soccer and baseball. My problem is with the idiotic jerseys that these teams wear on these night.
You have most likely seen them. Last night, the Miami Heat took on the Chicago Bulls in a great game that snapped the Heat's 27 game winning streak. On the front of the Bulls jersey on normal nights, it reads in big letters "BULLS". Last night, it read "LOS BULLS". The Heat's jersey read "EL HEAT". What the FUCK is going on here? Why is the NBA insulting our intelligence and not just have the Spanish words for the Heat and Bulls on the front? Are we not celebrating Hispanics and their culture? Last time I looked, the majority of them speak Spanish. All it takes is a quick Google search to find the translation. Why not just go that extra step? Putting "EL" or "LOS" does not make a word automatically Spanish. That would be like calling the Mexican National Fütbol Team "THE Tri". (Note: Suck it Mexico! Azteca means nothing now!)
In conclusion, to celebrate a certain heritage or culture, please don't treat your audience like morons.
You have most likely seen them. Last night, the Miami Heat took on the Chicago Bulls in a great game that snapped the Heat's 27 game winning streak. On the front of the Bulls jersey on normal nights, it reads in big letters "BULLS". Last night, it read "LOS BULLS". The Heat's jersey read "EL HEAT". What the FUCK is going on here? Why is the NBA insulting our intelligence and not just have the Spanish words for the Heat and Bulls on the front? Are we not celebrating Hispanics and their culture? Last time I looked, the majority of them speak Spanish. All it takes is a quick Google search to find the translation. Why not just go that extra step? Putting "EL" or "LOS" does not make a word automatically Spanish. That would be like calling the Mexican National Fütbol Team "THE Tri". (Note: Suck it Mexico! Azteca means nothing now!)
In conclusion, to celebrate a certain heritage or culture, please don't treat your audience like morons.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Why Your Country Sucks: Austria (Part 2)
(This will be a weekly feature where I scan the Wikipedia page of a country and then rip said country to shreds. Up next: Austria. I have divided this feature into two parts.)
1. All males who have reached the age of eighteen and are found fit have to serve a six months military service, followed by an eight-year reserve obligation.
- This would have been tough for Kurt von Trapp as I have a feeling his older brother Friedrich would have set the bar too high with all of his medals of honor. Friedrich just seemed like a major suck up. He was the Gallant to Kurt's Goofus.
2. Austria is a landlocked country and has no navy.
- If you ever want to feel great about yourself, play an Austrian in "Battleship".
3. Germany has historically been the main trading partner of Austria, making it vulnerable to rapid changes in the German economy.
- God forbid if the weinerschnitzel, lederhosen and bratwurst industries all go down the toilet.
4. Since the fall of communism, Austrian companies have been quite active players and consolidators in Eastern Europe.
- What I take from this is that after the big boys got done settling big boy business, they threw Austria a bone. The big boys literally loosened the top of the jar and then gave it to Austria for them to open. Well done Austria! You get a GOLD STAR!
5. Tourism accounts for almost 9% of the Austrian gross domestic product.
- Unfortunately, 5% of this tourism occurs due to Americans thinking both Vienna and Salzburg are in Germany.
6. According to Eurostat, in 2010 there were 1.27 million foreign-born residents in the Austria, corresponding to 15.2% of the total population.
- Same number of foreign-born residents that live in the Bronx but a MUCH lower percentage.
7. As of 2006, some of the Austrian states introduced standardized tests for new citizens, to assure their language ability, cultural knowledge and accordingly their ability to integrate into the Austrian society.
- Tim James of Alabama just soiled himself reading this.
8. Austrians have developed their own distinct national identity and in the modern day do not consider themselves as "Germans", although Austria's biggest ethnic group still remains the Austrian Germans at 88%.
- Pfft! That's like a black guy born in the USA wanting to be known just as an American. Don't forget your roots homeboy!
9. Austrian Christians are obliged to pay a mandatory membership fee (calculated by income—about 1%) to their church; this payment is called "Kirchenbeitrag" ("Ecclesiastical/Church contribution").
- This money all goes toward building another statue to honor the main religious figure in Austria: Jim Bakker.
10. Since the second half of the 20th century, the number of adherents and churchgoers has declined.
- Amazing how little you feel the need to pray when your country isn't getting the shit bombed out of it.
11. School attendance is compulsory for nine years, i.e. usually to the age of fifteen.
- Short Rant: everyone knew those kids in high school who had no reason to be there because a.) they weren't bright enough and b.) they didn't want to be there. Why make it mandatory when they could drop out and learn a trade? It would prevent problems and let the students who WANT to be there learn at a faster pace and higher level. Now back to the jokes.
12. Vienna has long been especially an important centre of musical innovation. 18th and 19th century composers were drawn to the city due to the patronage of the Habsburgs, and made Vienna the European capital of classical music. During the Baroque period, Slavic and Hungarian folk forms influenced Austrian music.
- Speaking of school, I took a music class one summer to fulfill that requirement. Just the mention of the "Baroque period" makes me want to cry. I am pretty sure our professor made love to music from that period.
13. Among Austrian Artists and architects one can find the painters Ferdinand Georg Waldmüller, Rudolf von Alt, Hans Makart, Gustav Klimt, Oskar Kokoschka, Egon Schiele, Carl Moll, and Friedensreich Hundertwasser.
- EXCUSE ME!?!?!? I am pretty sure you are forgetting your most artist! Sure, he flunked out of art school but, to be honest with you, I have never heard of any of these guys. This is like listing famous professors of mathematics and leaving out Ted Kaczynski!
14. The candy Pez was invented in Austria
- Jerry Seinfeld applauds you Austria!
15. Schnapps of typically up to 60% alcohol or fruit brandy is drunk, which in Austria is made from a variety of fruits, for example apricots and rowanberries.
- Note to self: these are NOT to be shot. (I will forget this for the 98th time next time I am in Europe.)
16. Austrian athletes such as Annemarie Moser-Pröll, Franz Klammer, Hermann Maier, Toni Sailer, Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild are widely regarded as some of the greatest alpine skiers of all time.
- If "Greatest Austrian Alpine Skiers" was a category, you would DEFINITELY be able to "Stump the Schwab" now.
1. All males who have reached the age of eighteen and are found fit have to serve a six months military service, followed by an eight-year reserve obligation.
- This would have been tough for Kurt von Trapp as I have a feeling his older brother Friedrich would have set the bar too high with all of his medals of honor. Friedrich just seemed like a major suck up. He was the Gallant to Kurt's Goofus.
2. Austria is a landlocked country and has no navy.
- If you ever want to feel great about yourself, play an Austrian in "Battleship".
3. Germany has historically been the main trading partner of Austria, making it vulnerable to rapid changes in the German economy.
- God forbid if the weinerschnitzel, lederhosen and bratwurst industries all go down the toilet.
4. Since the fall of communism, Austrian companies have been quite active players and consolidators in Eastern Europe.
- What I take from this is that after the big boys got done settling big boy business, they threw Austria a bone. The big boys literally loosened the top of the jar and then gave it to Austria for them to open. Well done Austria! You get a GOLD STAR!
5. Tourism accounts for almost 9% of the Austrian gross domestic product.
- Unfortunately, 5% of this tourism occurs due to Americans thinking both Vienna and Salzburg are in Germany.
6. According to Eurostat, in 2010 there were 1.27 million foreign-born residents in the Austria, corresponding to 15.2% of the total population.
- Same number of foreign-born residents that live in the Bronx but a MUCH lower percentage.
7. As of 2006, some of the Austrian states introduced standardized tests for new citizens, to assure their language ability, cultural knowledge and accordingly their ability to integrate into the Austrian society.
- Tim James of Alabama just soiled himself reading this.
8. Austrians have developed their own distinct national identity and in the modern day do not consider themselves as "Germans", although Austria's biggest ethnic group still remains the Austrian Germans at 88%.
- Pfft! That's like a black guy born in the USA wanting to be known just as an American. Don't forget your roots homeboy!
9. Austrian Christians are obliged to pay a mandatory membership fee (calculated by income—about 1%) to their church; this payment is called "Kirchenbeitrag" ("Ecclesiastical/Church contribution").
- This money all goes toward building another statue to honor the main religious figure in Austria: Jim Bakker.
10. Since the second half of the 20th century, the number of adherents and churchgoers has declined.
- Amazing how little you feel the need to pray when your country isn't getting the shit bombed out of it.
11. School attendance is compulsory for nine years, i.e. usually to the age of fifteen.
- Short Rant: everyone knew those kids in high school who had no reason to be there because a.) they weren't bright enough and b.) they didn't want to be there. Why make it mandatory when they could drop out and learn a trade? It would prevent problems and let the students who WANT to be there learn at a faster pace and higher level. Now back to the jokes.
12. Vienna has long been especially an important centre of musical innovation. 18th and 19th century composers were drawn to the city due to the patronage of the Habsburgs, and made Vienna the European capital of classical music. During the Baroque period, Slavic and Hungarian folk forms influenced Austrian music.
- Speaking of school, I took a music class one summer to fulfill that requirement. Just the mention of the "Baroque period" makes me want to cry. I am pretty sure our professor made love to music from that period.
13. Among Austrian Artists and architects one can find the painters Ferdinand Georg Waldmüller, Rudolf von Alt, Hans Makart, Gustav Klimt, Oskar Kokoschka, Egon Schiele, Carl Moll, and Friedensreich Hundertwasser.
- EXCUSE ME!?!?!? I am pretty sure you are forgetting your most artist! Sure, he flunked out of art school but, to be honest with you, I have never heard of any of these guys. This is like listing famous professors of mathematics and leaving out Ted Kaczynski!
14. The candy Pez was invented in Austria
- Jerry Seinfeld applauds you Austria!
15. Schnapps of typically up to 60% alcohol or fruit brandy is drunk, which in Austria is made from a variety of fruits, for example apricots and rowanberries.
- Note to self: these are NOT to be shot. (I will forget this for the 98th time next time I am in Europe.)
16. Austrian athletes such as Annemarie Moser-Pröll, Franz Klammer, Hermann Maier, Toni Sailer, Benjamin Raich and Marlies Schild are widely regarded as some of the greatest alpine skiers of all time.
- If "Greatest Austrian Alpine Skiers" was a category, you would DEFINITELY be able to "Stump the Schwab" now.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Top 10 Hottest NCAA Basketball Coaches (BCS Conferences)
With March Madness quickly approaching and the coaches turning up the heat on their players, I figured it would be a great time to list the best looking NCAA basketball coaches from the BCS conferences. (That includes the ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big Ten, Pac 12 and SEC if you were wondering.) Some of these choices were easy to make as they fill out a suit perfectly. Now, let's go into the locker room and find out who among the men are the sexiest. Off we go!
HONORABLE MENTION
Rick Stansbury (Former Longtime Coach at Mississippi State) - To be honest, I had no clue that Stansbury was not the coach at Mississippi State anymore until I looked up the list of coach's names. I was shocked! This man always put a little hop in my step whether I was seeing him on television being interviewed or in person. (Note: He is much better looking in person and especially close up.) I am not sure what he is up to now but if he happens to get bored, I will answer his phone call anytime.
#7 - Billy Donovan (Florida) - A two time National Champion and the most successful understudy of Rick Pitino, Donovan has been roaming the sidelines for the Gators for what seems like decades. While he is not the traditionally good looking type, his muscular build more than makes up for it. I would love to do a Gator Chomp on his pecs and biceps anytime!
HONORABLE MENTION
Rick Stansbury (Former Longtime Coach at Mississippi State) - To be honest, I had no clue that Stansbury was not the coach at Mississippi State anymore until I looked up the list of coach's names. I was shocked! This man always put a little hop in my step whether I was seeing him on television being interviewed or in person. (Note: He is much better looking in person and especially close up.) I am not sure what he is up to now but if he happens to get bored, I will answer his phone call anytime.
#10 - Rick Barnes (Texas) - Despite the fact that his teams never have lived up to expectations and I have a feeling he is a bit anorexic, Barnes makes my top 10 just on pure handsome looks. The former Clemson coach has been a favorite of mine for years now. His long fingers are sexy even when doing the "Hook 'Em Horns" sign and a sign that everything MIGHT hopefully be bigger in Texas.
#9 - Roy Williams (North Carolina) - Sure, he is one of the biggest weasels in college basketball, once compared a Tarheel loss to the Haiti earthquake catastrophe and even incurred my wrath after leaving his walk on players on the floor to survive a storming of the court while he went to the safety of the locker room but just LOOK at that gray hair and face. He looks like the older teacher you would have in high school that you had the crush on. Also, look at how he squats down! That has to be worth extra points in the bedroom!
#8 - Bruce Weber (Kansas State) - Another silver fox that led Illinois to the 2005 National Championship game, ultimately losing to the guy above, Weber has now taken his dashing good looks to Manhattan. Unfortunately, it is the one in Kansas and not the one where I live. I would have shared my efficient studio apartment with him, especially had he brought along the orange sport coats he used to wear while coaching the Illini.
#6 - John Beilein (Michigan) - One of the more under appreciated coaches in the NCAA, Beilein has brought Michigan back to heights they haven't seen since they paid the Fab Five. While he is underrated as a coach, he is most likely overrated on this list due to the fact that there always seems to be something going on down below his belt during Michigan games. (These are things I notice while watching meaningless games in December.) If Beilein has any sense of humor, the nickname for his junk HAS to be "The Big House".
#5 - Mike Brey (Notre Dame) - Another example of a man who looks better in person than in pictures, I recently saw Mike Brey at the Audi Club in Yankee Stadium back in September. Of course, no one believed me that it was him. I had to Google it to prove my point. Brey has a five o'clock shadow to die for and a rough manliness exterior. All we have to do is talk about those mock turtlenecks he tends to wear. What the hell is that Mike? Please don't be like Phil Mickelson!
#4 - Brian Gregory (Georgia Tech) - I have a confession. If you would have asked me who was the coach at Georgia Tech before I started making this list, I would have had no clue. (Bobby Cremeans would have been my guess.) Now that I know, I am going to make a point to tune into more Yellow Jacket games. Apparently at Dayton before being hired at Tech, Gregory will be on this list for a long time. Now, I need to book a flight to Atlanta to see him in person.
#3 - Mark Gottfried (N.C. State) - Gottfried is much more likable now that he is not employed at that crappy school in Tuscaloosa. He is now the leader of the Wolfpack and looking better than ever. Age has been great to Mr. Gottfried and he has been even better to State, leading them back to relevance. Now, let's act like he never coached at that other school, make amends and cuddle.
#2 - Steve Lavin (St. John's) - A great looking man who is a better analyst than coach, Lavin has had a couple of rough years as he was diagnosed with prostate cancer back in 2011. Despite that, he has put together a couple of top ten recruiting classes that the Red Storm faithful will help bring back the glory of the 80's to Queens. Now, let's meet up sometime Steve so I can Storm your prostate.
#1 - Jay Wright (Villanova) - GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! If Fred Couples did not exist, Jay Wright would be my perfect man. The little dash of salt and pepper hair combined with the way he wears a suit makes me want to enroll at Villanova today. Do they have a fashion program where I could measure his inseam? Well, enough from me and let's get to the pictures.
"I have this all under control. Now, give me a second and this suit will be off."
He is obviously trying to find me in the stands. Sorry Jay, next time buddy.
Is that a bulge in your pants Mr. Wright? I figured I gave you enough last night.
WHAT A FUCKING HUNK OF A HUMAN SPECIMEN!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Why 1600 Penn Sucks
Bored on Thursday night and with my cable box being broke, I decided to catch up on some shows on Hulu. After watching the latest episodes of Parks and Recreation, I was looking for a new show to try out. I chose 1600 Penn. If you are not familiar with the show's concept, it is about the President of the United States (played by Bill Pullman) and his wacky family. After watching the first episode, I have made the declaration that it could very well be the worst sitcom to come out in many of years. So many things happened in that episode that it seemed the writers just know it is not going to last very long. Let's break down some of what happened in this 22 minutes of pure horse crap.
1. In the very first scene, we meet an annoying overweight college age kid who is giving a speech about standing up for himself for once. This speech is being given to what looks like other nerds. What's the basis for this speech? We don't know. We can just assume that they are being bullied by the frat guys in the house they are standing in front of. How do they get revenge? By lighting fireworks in front of the house. Unfortunately, one of the fireworks goes right through a window, starting a fire. This causes said frat guys to come out of their house and start beating the living daylights out of the nerds. Pretty decent start UNTIL....wait a freaking second, why are there two men in suits jumping on the frat boys and escorting the speech giving kid to a car? OH RIGHT, it's because that kid is THE PRESIDENT'S SON! (Are you still with me? Good.)
This scene causes so many questions. Why would the frat guys ever decide to pick on the son of the most powerful man in the world? Are the son's friends complete morons and don't tell him that it would be a bad idea to light fireworks as a prank? Why don't the secret service agents, who are in charge of watching him, just stop the idiot from lighting the fireworks? It is obvious that they are around at all times. Why would they watch him do that and then decide to jump in right when the fight is going down? This goes down as the worst first scene of any sitcom in history. If only it didn't get worse. (The son's name is Skip by the way.)
2. In another scene, we see the lovely First Lady (played by Jenna Elfman) giving a speech to a group of reporters and children. For some reason, there is an empty chair next to where she is sitting. Apparently, the daughter of the President and the First Lady's step-daughter Becca was suppose to be sitting in it. Why is she not there? Oh, only because she is stuck in the bathroom while taking positive pregnancy tests over and over. Is she married? Nope. Is she even in a relationship? Nope. You see, she is pregnant due to a one night stand, something I am sure that all daughters of the President have taken part in and have the freedom to do. This is just getting horrible to watch.
3. Already dealing with Skip's antics and, well, being the President of the United States, President Gilchrist now has to handle the fact that his two youngest kids, Marigold and Xander, were sent home from school for fighting with each other because, well, why the hell not. What were they fighting over? Apparently Xander, the youngest son, was making fun of Marigold over her secret crush. Who is this crush on? We will get to that.
4. Visiting heads of states from South America are visiting the White House to discuss a trade agreement. President Gilchrist is trying to win over the President of Brazil so the trade agreement will pass. What happens? Of course. Skip throws a flaming lamp out of a second story window which causes all the security to tackle the heads of states. I'm sure this always happens to Obama.
5. In the final scene, the entire family is enjoying a nice peaceful pizza dinner together at what I assume is an Italian restaurant. Skip had made his dad proud by getting the South American guys to agree on the trade pact. How did this happen? I am not sure but there was shots of liquor involved in a meeting room. Becca now has the support of dad as well about the pregnancy. Everything seems to be finally wrapping up for the Gilchrist family. Oh, about that crush that Marigold has? Well, I will just let you read the dialogue:
Scene: Italian Restaurant. First Lady Emily and step-daughter Marigold are having a private conversation.
Emily: "So, what's the name of your crush?"
Marigold (who, by the way, is about 12 years old): "Jessica"
Emily smiles and scene.
WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? You know what, I have already spent enough time thinking and writing about this awful show. Let's just sum it up by this: in a two day period, the President of the United States' son starts a riot and causes a thought to be terrorist attack at the White House, his oldest daughter leaves college because she is pregnant from a one night stand and his youngest daughter who hasn't even reached puberty tells her step-mother, the First Lady, that she is a big ole lesbian. If this show gets a second season, I have lost faith in all of humanity.
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