Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Ed Hochuli for 2014 ESPN Magazine's Body Issue

Dear ESPN Magazine's Body Issue Editors:

First of all, I would like to applaud you for including Gary Player in the latest Body Issue of your magazine.  He is a testament to the fact that, while you can't help getting older, you don't have to let your body go.  He looks great for his age and stands up well next to the much younger athletes you chose.

Now, let's get to the real reason I am writing.  I, among millions of NFL followers, are fans of referee Ed Hochuli.  His extended explanations of penalties and rulings on the field made him noticeable but let's be real: his body, especially his biceps, have made him famous.  From television commentators to actual NFL players, his "guns" have been lauded on national television, Facebook and in magazine articles.  With each penalty called by his referee team, we anxiously wait for the close up of Ed explaining the call and flexing his pecs to show everyone who is the boss.

Listen, I am not going to make promises but I think it would be the greatest seller of any issue you would ever publish.  Sure, these athletes that you put in your issue are all well built and all but sometimes we need variety.  Hochuli seems like the perfect older person to follow Mr. Player.  He has the fans and he has the body.  Just look at these pictures below:

Not many referees have a photo shoot of their workout routine.  In fact, neither do many players.

Let me see Josh Isner or John Wall do a curl like this!

An attorney in his day job, could you imagine being an opposing client, attorney or, hell, even the judge looking at those guns?

Even the most powerful man in the NFL is afraid of Hochuli.  Who else can pull off a sleeveless shirt like this?



Ed Hochuli Fans Everywhere!

(P.S.  I would also personally like Fred Couples in there.  Thanks!)

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Top 10 Most Handsome Men in U.S. Politics

This blog is a political and religious free one.  There are PLENTY of other places where you can discuss why you hate so and so.  This is not the place.  Want to argue something I say about a sports figure or celebrity?  Sure, why the hell not.  The moment you bring up politics and/or religion, we are done.  With that said, I am now going to rank the most handsome men that I know of in US politics.  I am sure I have missed some.  Also, I would do world wide politics but that would require way too much time and research and I don't get paid to do this.  If you know of any worldwide politicians that I might find attractive, let me know.  Here we go!

Honorable Mention

Joe Biden - The current VP would have definitely made this list around 15-20 years ago.  He has aged pretty well and is not just loved by Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation.  Look how good looking he was in his younger days?  More politicians need to go with the unbuttoned look and let the chest hair flow!

Rick Perry - This list is based on looks and nothing else.  I have been an admirer of Mr. Perry for quite a few years now.  He fills out a pair of jeans really well and has a great smile.  Oh, and it looks like he prefers to go commando sometimes according to this second picture.  Go ahead!  Take a look!

Bill Clinton - The unofficial first black President, Mr. Clinton has been said to have the ability to charm the pants right off of you.  I don't blame Ms. Lewinsky one bit!

John Ensign - This former Senator from Nevada and silver fox would make the Top 10 but he is no longer active in the political scene.  Mr. Ensign resigned in 2011 amid an investigation into an ethics violation that was due to an extramarital affair.  John, you and I can have an affair all you want and nothing unethical would come of it.

10.  Al Gore - the VP under Clinton, Mr. Gore is famously known around Washington as having the largest dick of all the politicians.  That works for me!  Who can forget the famous Rolling Stone cover where they had to Photoshop out some of Al's "manhood"?  I certainly don't.  You might have "lost" the 2000 election Mr. Gore but you have won my heart!

9.  Chris Lee - The "Craigslist Congressman" uses a ridiculous way to meet potential "donors" especially when he looks the way he does.  Mr. Lee, you do not have to post an ad to meet me.  Just shoot me an email and I am raring to go!

8.  Jeff Flake - This Senator from the state of Arizona is a giant hunk of what is right in the world.  He would be higher on this list if I wasn't so certain he dyes his hair.  Salt and pepper hair is NOTHING to be ashamed of Mr. Flake!  It would go great with your kick-ass body.

7.  Evan Bayh - The former Senator from Indiana has been on my radar for quite some time.  Who's your daddy?  This Hoosier daddy could be mine whenever he wants!

6.  Steve Bullock - The governor of Montana shares a birthday with yours truly and wouldn't I love to go to Helena and give him a big ole birthday present!  I am sure him and I could share a tent somewhere in Yellowstone National Park and make some other things erupt besides the geysers.

5.  John Edwards - Yes, I know he is a famed adulterer (who isn't on this list?) and the majority of people hate him and find him to be a scumbag but I could NOT leave him off of this list.  He is a good looking man. Facts are facts. 

4.  David Vitter - Indicated as a client during the DC Madam prostitution scandal, this Senator from Louisiana might have a knack for paying for sex but, with me, it would be free.  It would get real hot and steamy between us down on the bayou! (UPDATE:  WAIT!  He asked hookers to dress him in diapers?  He really needs to go lower on this list but, well, he's still hot.)

3.  Scott Brown - The former Senator from Massachusetts famously posed for Playboy back in his younger days.  His looks have not suffered but only gotten better as he has aged.  Now, let's try and get him back at the photo shoot and see how he looks nude as a man in his 50's.  I am guessing it would be pretty damn good!

2.  Marcus Brown - Is Secretary of State Police an elected position?  You know what, I don't care.  Officer Brown, Secretary of State Police for Maryland, make my list either way.  This man could arrest and interrogate me any time he wants.  Watch out though Marcus; my gun might go off at anytime.

1.  Martin O'Malley - What is with Maryland and having hot and sexy politicians?  The Governor of Maryland makes me want to move to Annapolis and camp outside of the state house.  Not only his Mr. O'Malley handsome but his build puts him over the top.  Mr. O'Malley, you can filibuster my bedroom anytime!

Calm down.  I've got this!

Biceps, chest and abs to die for.

The perfect man!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Top 10 Most Handsome Men in Pro Basketball

Since I don't follow the NBA that closely, this list turned out to be the hardest one as far as research and finding guys that I found attractive.  (Note:  I do not find African-American men sexy at all.  No racism but just personal choice.  That was another challenge in filling this list.)  With that said, here is my top ten most handsome men that are related to the NBA.  Here we go!

Honorable Mention

Mikhail Prokhorov - I list Mr. Prokhorov out of respect for his business acumen that has led to him being a billionaire.  I am also a child of the 80's and still afraid of any Soviet that may have ties to the KGB.  (Please don't kill me!)

10.  Dan Gilbert - Although he seems like a jerk and writes emails in Comic-Sans, Gilbert makes this list on his build alone.  A muscular chest and arms will get me every time.  Now, about that whole Lebron thing...

9.  Dennis Lindsey - Mr. Lindsey looks less like a NBA General Manager and more like the president of a bank in the South.  Major points to him for the looks but negative points because he lives in Utah.  Sorry Dennis but I would never be able to survive there.  Let me know when you move.

8.  Tim Donaghy - Sure, he might have spent some time in jail for fixing games and may be hooked up with the Mafia but, damn it, he is still a good looking man.  Out of jail since 2009, he has made the move back to being a good guy and writes regularly for Deadspin on officiating.  I am sure that spending time in jail as a good looking white man taught him a few things as well!

7.  John Stockton - The Hall of Famer, all time assists leader and secretly dirtiest player in the NBA during his time makes this list despite my general disdain for him and the 90's Jazz.  How DARE you think you are going to take the MJ led Bulls down?  Stockton gets major points for sticking with the short shorts look and therefore showcasing his amazing legs.  Rumor is that his third leg is as thick as his two walking legs.

6.  Mike D'Antoni - The former Knicks coach is now "in charge" of the shit show that has become the Los Angeles Lakers.  (We all know Kobe is the one in charge.)  His West Virginian background and salt and pepper hair made even I root for the Knicks every now and then when he was in NY.  What can I say?  I am a sucker for a nice mustache!

5.  John Paxson - My attraction for Mr. Paxson began as a kid when he was winning titles with the Bulls in the 1990's.  Now the Vice President of Basketball Operations for the Bulls, John has aged like a fine wine.  Now, he just needs to do two things to jump higher: get Derrick Rose back on the court and make Joakim Noah to disappear.

4.  Rick Welts - This list would not be complete without mentioning the first openly gay male to be the President of an American major sports team.  Mr. Welts inspired all of us sports loving homosexuals when he came out in May of 2011.  Unfortunately, he is in a relationship and not available.  Well done though Mr. Welts!  

3.  Scott Brooks - Coach of the most exciting basketball team to watch in the NBA, Mr. Brooks strolls the sidelines of OKC while Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook do their thing.  With so much talent on the Thunder, Scott can spend more time focusing on other important things: satisfying me in the bedroom!

2.  Danny Ainge - The second player on this list I despised when I was younger, Mr. Ainge always comes across as a cry baby; a kid who would take the ball and go home when he wasn't getting his way.  With that said, he is one gorgeous man.  Despite my hatred of the Celtics, Danny makes me want to put on green and cheer for Paul Pierce to not get stabbed again.  Mr. Ainge would have been on the top of the list had it not been for the man I discovered below.

1.  Neil Olshey - Going into this list, I had never heard of this man.  Now?  I can't believe he was never on my radar.  Mr. Olshey tops this list even though I have never once heard him speak or see him on television. That is how good looking this man is!  The current General Manager of the Portland Trail Blazers, Neil inspires me to visit the Beaver State more often.  He is the only person who has EVER made me type the words "inspires me to visit the Beaver".   Congratulations Mr. Olshey!  You are quite the looker.

Watching over his players like a good "daddy" should!

That smirk is fucking irresistible!

"I'm not saying my dick is large but it does have its own area code."

Monday, June 24, 2013

Top 10 Most Handsome Men in Baseball

Summer is here and it is starting to really heat up.  The long cold winter is history and we can now move on to our favorite national pastime: bitching about how hot it is.  No, but seriously, we all love baseball and enjoy those summer days spent at the ballpark, drinking $9 beers and Tweeting pictures of different views from our seats.  The pastime has not changed at ALL over the years!  In honor of 110 degree days sitting on metal seats while watching Mark Teixiera get paid to get injured, here are my top ten most handsome men in baseball.  Here we go!

Honorable Mention

Andy Van Slyke - I hated him during his playing days and have heard first hand accounts of how much of a douche he is to, well, almost everyone.  Still, his looks are enough to warrant mention on this list.  Now, let's talk about how that necklace looks like you are just about to go date rape someone.

Mike Taylor - No longer a coach for the Rice Owls, Mr. Taylor is a personal favorite of mine and a damn good looking man.  Seriously, look at him.  

10.  Bob Melvin - The coach of the always pesty Oakland Athletics recently caught my attention last year during the A's amazing run to win the A.L. West and great series against the Detroit Tigers that they eventually lost 3 games to 2.  A tall lanky man, Mr. Melvin does what few men can do: make a green and gold jersey sexy.  

9.  Bobby Valentine - Oh Bobby, what were you thinking taking that Boston job before last season?  You had to know it was a train wreck waiting to happen, right?  Oh well, you are still as sexy as the days when you were screwing up the Mets in the late 90's.  You would have been higher on this list had you not made the insane proclamation that you "invented the club sandwich".  Get back to doing television where you pull off a suit very nicely!

8.  Terry Francona - The man unreasonably ran out of town by basically everyone in Boston despite, you know, just leading them to two World Series titles has become one of baseball's most eligible bachelors.  Despite his messy divorce and the fact he now lives in Cleveland, you have to admit that this bald man looks quite good for his age.  And Terry, if you want to text me pictures of yourself, lose the towel this time!

7.  Kevin Towers - The GM for the Diamondbacks has a face that says both "I am going to rip your fucking head off" and "Come here and play with my nice salt and pepper hair".  I would prefer to think that when he saw me, it would be the latter.  

6.  Matt Sinatro - Another personal favorite of mine, the former Cubs first base coach is a stocky hairy man machine.  I once wrote that "Sinatro is what every woman dreams of having and what every man dreams of being. There is no downside to sleeping with Mr. Sinatro and you will be thankful that you were able to witness his excellence first hand."  I stand by this statement after meeting him a few years back.

5.  Bud Black - The relatively unknown manager of the Padres looks like an accomplished politician in a major league uniform.  Look, he even has the Bill Clinton move down!  Let's hope he's as sexually active as the former President.

4.  Jim Riggleman - Mr. Riggleman fills out a baseball uniform the way that it is suppose to be filled out.  I noticed Jim's great build back in the 90's when he was utterly helpless as manager of the Cubs.  Even at the age of 60, he makes me want to join him in the showers.  

3.  Billy Beane - The man behind Moneyball and GM of the Oakland Athletics was majorly dissed by Hollywood when they had Brad Pitt play him in the movie.  Brad Pitt has NOTHING on Mr. Beane.  

2.  Trey Hillman - Facial hair or no facial hair, Mr. Hillman exudes just the right amount of manliness that can make you weak in your knees.  The current bench coach for the Dodgers, I wouldn't mind sitting beside him in the dugout each and every night discussing our plans for later.  Maybe we could have dinner, drinks and see what happens...EACH AND EVERY NIGHT!

1.  Ryne Sandberg - I have been attracted to the man they call Ryno since I was a kid.  I seriously remember getting back pictures of a Cubs-Reds game I had attended and noticing Ryno's biceps while warming up in the picture.  I must have stared at this thing for hours.  Sandberg will always be my favorite baseball player of all time and someone that I would put right up there with Fred Couples for "Most Want To Have Sex With".  

Glimpse of a hairy chest?  Check!

Looks good in a suit?  Check!

Great smile?  Check!  And he's not just a Hall of Famer in my book!

Love you Ryno.  Call me!