(The NFL season begins tonight and in tribute I have made it my duty to find who the hottest coaches are out there. After some research and googling images of every NFL head coach*, I have determined the ten most handsome head coaches*. Off we go!)
10. John Fox (Denver Broncos)/Mike Smith (Atlanta Falcons) – I could not decide between the two gray haired beauties so they are going to share the #10 spot. Fox, in my mind, handled the Tebow situation beautifully last year in Denver while Smith got the Falcons to the playoffs again with the help of Matt Ryan. If you like gray (or white) hair, these are your men.
9. Sean Payton (New Orleans Saints) – Sure, he is suspended for the entire season due to his role in BountyGate but Payton makes this list basely on the fact he looks fun to get drunk with. I am sure after a few hurricanes I could talk him into something.
8. Greg Schiano (Tampa Bay Buccaneers) – The newly hired coach from Rutgers has that Italian charm about him and is very well built. HOWEVER, I am going to go out on a limb and predict that he is in way over his head by jumping from college to the pros. He coached in the BIG EAST for pete’s sake! That is just one step above Texas high school football. The stubble on his face in this picture added major points for Schiano.
7. Pat Shurmur (Cleveland Browns) – Poor Mr. Shurmur has a difficult job being in the same division as the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers who all made the playoffs last season. We should give him a higher spot on this list just out of respect. Give him a few more years and maybe he will be a stronger contender.
6. Jim Harbaugh (San Francisco 49ers) – The first Harbaugh on this list is Jim, coach of the 49ers. While I know some people will argue he should be higher, his attitude and demeanor cuts down his attractiveness to me. I also despise the 49ers for making me cry back in January of 1989. I hold grudges for a long time.
5. Mike Mularkey (Jacksonville Jaguars) – Mularkey took over the head coaching job at Jacksonville after the equally handsome Jack Del Rio was fired. Mularkey will soon be coaching the Los Angeles Jaguars once the NFL figures out that people in Jacksonville do not give a flying crap about the Jaguars. Mularkey has a sort of Craig T. Nelson from Coach sexiness to him.
4. Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans) – I’m not sure how Kubiak still has the head coaching job at Houston after all these years. (Yes, I am very aware they made the playoffs last year and even won a game.) The Texans have always been the trendy pick for the past 5 seasons. All of the “experts” were bound to be right one year. Mediocre seasons or not, I am definitely not kicking Kubiak out of my bed.
3. Jeff Fisher (St. Louis Rams) – The longtime former coach of the Tennessee Titans and now coach of the Rams just oozes sex. Look at that mustache and chest hair! Who would ever turn that down? Add in the blue eyes and you have the Young Andy Rooney looking for a marriage proposal.
2. John Harbaugh (Baltimore Ravens) – Oh my word what a hot man! He makes his brother Jim look like chopped liver. Add in the photo of Harbaugh with Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley and we have a Young Andy Rooney treat. Hell, I bet even that old guy in the middle is rooting for them to make out.
1. Mike Nolan* (Defensive Coordinator-Atlanta Falcons) – Okay, he is not a head coach but like I have always said: my blog, my rules. HOLY SHIT BALLS ON A CRACKER LOOK AT MIKE NOLAN!!! There is not a more perfect man on this planet. The day after Auburn won the National Championship, Nolan was in line behind me at the Phoenix airport. I almost started weeping at the mere sight of his beauty. I did not know at the time that Nolan played football at Oregon. I really wish we would have bet sexual favors on the game now. If you are reading Mike, PLEASE call me. You are the hottest man ever.